


Riding the Aftershock Beside You

by Leydhawk



Series: What Freedom Looks Like [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: ASL, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Eileen Leahy, Bisexual Sam Winchester, Deaf Character, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Family, Fix-It, Heterosexual Sex, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Saileen - Freeform, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Shower Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Y yo a ti happened, and gets it, bc why not, mentions of lucifer, mentions of psychological torture, mentions of torture, my head canon for the cage, nothing descriptive or explicit, now the heavy stuff, omg I haven’t written that in years, splits from canon 15x19-2/3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:14:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28752012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leydhawk/pseuds/Leydhawk
Summary: It’s time for Sam and Eileen to see how they are together without being in apocalypse-mode. But when Eileen accidentally triggers him, Sam has to talk about something he’s never told anyone.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Series: What Freedom Looks Like [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033791
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heed the tags! The heavy part is toward the end of chapter two, which will probably be up in a couple days.

Sometimes it seemed like Sam slept in cars the way cranky babies were said to.

Eileen glanced over at him in the fading light of sunset as she checked her side mirrors and his open-mouthed, head at an angle, hair spilling over the cracked upholstery with his eyes shut not ten miles into the trip made her smile. She caught Jack smiling too in the rearview and they looked at each other for an instant and nodded in shared affection before she turned her attention fully back to driving.

The familiar roads she drove to her apartment in Kansas City and very little traffic allowed her to ease up her concentration and she let herself contemplate what Sam had said.

He loved her. He’d tried to say it aloud when they’d first reunited and she’d stopped him with a kiss, but he’d signed it right after she’d yelled at him and she hadn’t had the heart to interrupt him a second time.

It wasn’t that she didn’t have strong feelings for him as well, it was just... Everything had been heightened, constant life-and-death for billions of people since he’d returned her to a physical body after being a ghost. Even the passing thought of her existence as a ghost, and her experiences in hell made her shudder and deliberately turn her thoughts away from those memories. 

When things were calmer, back to a normal hunter life, would he still feel that way about her?

Eileen knew she was a headstrong person. She had had enough relationships with people in her life where they’d gotten tired of her, either from the effort communication took, or from her stubbornness or temper or whatever else had caused them to turn from her, that she didn’t trust in long term commitments.

She wanted to believe that Sam, with his courage and loyalty and unlimited compassion, could truly love her and put up with her and want to stay in her life long term, but she knew that there was every possibility that he’d figure out how damaged she was emotionally and he’d split like all the others. 

Sighing, she checked the mirrors again, turned on the headlights, and kept driving.

It amused Eileen when Sam woke the moment she turned the key and the vibration of the engine stopped.

“ _Good morning_ ,” she signed, smiling. Sam blinked and looked outside at the darkness broken by streetlights. He nodded and smiled back to her. 

“ _Sorry for sleeping_ ,” Sam signed back.

She shrugged and spoke aloud over her shoulder as she opened the door, “Don’t worry about it. Not like we can talk while I’m driving.”

Jack climbed out of the back seat and waved for her attention.

“I can drive next time, if you want,” the boy offered.

She chuckled. “That’s sweet, but I would rather drive. I may not be as possessive as Dean but this is still my car.” She patted the roof of the Valiant.

Looking across the car she saw Sam watching her with that besotted expression that made her feel like the only person in the world. He was the best man she knew, and he loved her. What was wrong with just accepting that sometimes?

She winked and they all went inside.

Knowing that she had nothing she’d want to share with the guys from her kitchen, Eileen asked what sort of takeout they liked.

“We usually get pizza,” Jack said, looking excited. Eileen shrugged.

“We can get pizza if you want, but there’s a lot more options here in the city. Have you ever had Indian food, or Thai?” She asked, knowing either of those restaurants would have healthy vegetarian options that would please Sam.

Jack cocked his head, looking way too much like Castiel. “I don’t think I have.”

Eileen turned to Sam. “Indian or Thai?”

Sam’s face lit up. “ _Indian sounds great!_ _I love saag_ .”He signed and then spelled out the name for a spinach dish she liked as well.

“Help me choose what to order for Jack,” she said, and went to the kitchen to the tablet she kept there for calls and ordering stuff.

After they ate, and Jack asked about watching another movie from Sam’s list of culturally significant films. Eileen laughed and Sam blushed.

“ _Pretentious_ ?” She signed, grinning at him. He signed that he didn’t understand. “Kind of pretentious, don’t you think?” She said.

“Dean shows him stupid stuff. I’m trying to make sure he gets a more well rounded view!” Sam protested. “Plus, they’re good movies! Have you seen Gattaca? It’s a commentary on the dangers of a society that implements eugenics, but it’s a personal story, with great suspense and beautiful imagery.” Sam signed the words he knew as he pontificated.

“ _Show me_ ,” she signed, smiling.

They found the movie on Netflix and sat back to watch, Jack in the armchair and Eileen and Sam snuggling on the couch.

“I wish you could experience the music,” Sam said to her afterward.

“It was very moving,” Jack agreed. Eileen hid a smile at the Castiel-typical sentence and serious facial expression on the boy.

She shrugged. “I feel the bass vibrations. That gives me some of the experience. The movie was very visually appealing, too,” she added, waggling her eyebrows.

“Oh no, don’t tell me you have a thing for Jude Law,” Sam said.

“Why pick just one? All three actors are gorgeous!”

Sam’s jaw dropped. “ _Are you bisexual_ ?”

“ _Yes. I thought you were too_ ?”

Sam nodded, blushing, and Eileen just shook her head. “ _So_ ?”

“ _You are perfect. I love you_ .”

Rolling her eyes, Eileen turned to Jack, who had obviously watched the exchange, although she wasn’t sure if he’d understood any of it.

“I’ll get you a pillow and blankets. I hope the couch is okay.”

“I’ll be fine, thank you.”

Eileen got Jack situated and watched in surprise as the boy signed, “ _Goodnight_ ,” with the casual ease of someone fluent in ASL. She raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled mischievously.

“ _You didn’t have to hide that_ ,” she signed.

 _“I wanted to surprise you, but it made sense to let you know that I understand you and Sam._ ” His expression was apologetic and sympathetic and her eyes narrowed.

Eileen felt her face heat as she realized Jack had noticed she hadn’t reciprocated Sam’s feelings, but since it wasn’t any of his business, she simply signed goodnight and raised her chin and turned back to Sam.

“Jack understands?”

Eileen nodded and went past him into her bedroom. She immediately began stripping off her clothes.

“ _Shower_ ,” she signed to Sam, gesturing toward the bathroom in case he hadn’t learned the word yet.

“ _Together_ ?” He signed, and she smiled and nodded.

They got into the bathroom and Eileen locked the door to the rest of the apartment, though merely shutting the one to the bedroom. Jack wouldn’t come through there. 

Sam turned the water on in the shower but looked to her instead of climbing into the tub or encouraging her to.

“Talk for a second?” He asked, signing what he could.

Eileen’s stomach tightened but she nodded, pursing her lips and waiting for Sam to continue.

“Nothing bad. I just... I think I’ve made you uncomfortable saying I love you and I want you to know that I am fine with you not saying it back.

“I just needed to tell you. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and even if this doesn’t work out, or you don’t ever feel the same, I want you in my life. I want you to move to the bunker with us-you’re a legacy too-and I want us to do it right this time, and organize all the hunters and get them the tools and protection they need and—“

“Shut up, Sam,” she said, chuckling. Of course he had an entire life planned out. She put her finger on his lips, and smiled even bigger when he kissed it then smiled himself. “I’ll tell you when I’m ready for all that. I’ll say...that...when I’m ready. For now, let’s get in the shower and you can fuck me against the wall and then we’ll go to bed. Just be quiet, because you told Jack not to listen to parent figures having sex.”

Sam blushed as he always did when she was blunt about their physical relationship, but he eagerly adjusted the water temperature (apparently he’d turned it on cold just to drown out their discussion), and they got into the quickly steaming shower. 

Sam’s kisses were hungry and, as always, she marveled at how he lost himself in the physicality of being together. It was as if his focus was so intent that the rest of the world ceased to exist. She followed him into it.

Big hands cupped her face, and then powerful arms enveloped her while his lips and tongue plundered her mouth like she was giving him life. Eileen wrapped her arms around him and ran her fingers over the muscles in his back, the water making the glide smooth and slick. One hand stayed up, digging into the ridge beside the valley of his spine while the other grabbed at his ass hard, pulling him against her so she could feel his erection. She felt his breathing pick up, and his hands moved down as he leaned against the tile wall, taking their weight against his arm behind her and holding her opposite hip while the other snaked in front and his hand slid between her legs. She pushed her hips toward the fingers, throbbing for touch. His whole hand cupped her, and his big middle finger parted her and pressed inside, making her gasp. His calloused palm rubbed as he shifted until the heel of his hand was giving her pressure on her clit while that single finger inside pulled forward and made her tremble at the stimulation on her g spot.

Sam’s kisses grew sloppy as he focused on getting her off, but she was grateful for its smothering of any noises she made. She humped against Sam’s hand, and he found her rhythm quickly, and the double sensation had her climbing, her hips stuttering as the tension coiled tighter and tighter until it released in a rush and she shuddered feeling her walls clenching on that finger as she rode the waves of her orgasm.

Having declared exclusivity and shared their clean test results months earlier, and trusting the preventative implant in her arm, she had no qualms breaking away from Sam’s mouth as he withdrew his hand from her and making eye contact to nod her approval that she wanted him inside her, pressing her body forward against his hardness.

Sam’s eyes fluttered at the friction on his cock, but he recovered quickly, palming her ass with his hands and lifting her so her back pressed against the wall and he could lower her onto him.

Eileen’s head dropped back against the tile at the slide of Sam into her. She was still sensitive and quivered in an almost-orgasm when he hitched his hips up and his pelvis pressed tight to her.

Putting her hands up onto Sam’s shoulders, then threading her fingers into his gorgeous hair, Eileen gave herself over to him and her pleasure as he retracted slightly and then thrust home again. And again and again...

The position enabled her to arch and keep her mound up against him so he rubbed her just right as he chased his own friction.

She was climbing again, the stimulation perfect, her legs trembling where they wrapped around Sam’s hips. Everything was tightening, coiling, a bow drawn tight to cheek.

Sam’s mouth clamped over hers as she came, writhing in his grip, his cock still hard and sliding in and in and in until she felt him shaking, jerking in her hold on his hair, felt him throbbing inside her as he came, even while she shuddered through aftershocks. 

He lowered them both to the floor of the tub. She could feel him trembling in the aftermath and she kissed him all over his face and neck, gently disentangling her fingers from his hair and smoothing it down as the shower splattered down on them and they caught their breath.

His cock was softening inside her and she shifted around and pulled away from him before it ended up feeling like something slithering out of her.

They shared a smile and several sweet kisses before she stood and offered a hand to help him up. He took it with an amused look and pushed himself up with his other hand on the edge of the tub. She rolled her eyes as she turned away to grab her shampoo. He knew how strong she was, but he didn’t fully trust that strength yet. If they ended up hunting together, he’d have to know without a shadow of a doubt that he could trust her prowess or he’d be a liability. She was gonna have to figure out a way to show him.

Might even be fun.

They finished by up washing mostly themselves but pressing against each other and sliding sensually as they switched places under the spray. She hid her amusement that the shower head that was just the right height for her hit him mid-chest and he had to arch over backwards to get his hair wet. She allowed herself to admire how his muscles worked to maintain the pose, though. He was seriously stacked.

Once they were back in her bedroom, Sam got a mischievous expression and signed, “ _You-me-quiet-you-loud-Jack-hear_ .”

Eileen snorted. Apparently she’d been too loud in their shower.

“ _I’m not a parent figure for him, so who cares _?” She signed, smirking. Sam frowned and she realized he hadn’t understood. She signed more slowly, “ _I-no-parent-Jack_ ,” and shrugged.

Sam slapped his hand over his mouth and his shoulders shook as he laughed. He pulled her into a hug and she closed her eyes and at the warmth of being fully enfolded in his arms. 

Settling in to go to sleep the same way was comforting in a sense Eileen had never really experienced before. She felt truly and completely safe, a rare experience for her as a solo hunter and as a woman.

Waking up curled against Sam’s back like the big spoon amused Eileen to no end. She kept her arm around him and kissed his upper back, hugging closer to him as a wakeup.

Unfortunately, that was not a good move.

Sam flung himself out of the bed, whirling around in a fighting stance, wild-eyed with terror, baring his teeth and pressing his back to her dresser, the two wooden charmed boxes on top tipping back and forth. His chest was heaving with panicked breaths.

Eileen slowly sat up onto her elbow, keeping her hands visible. 

“I’m sorry, Sam,” she said aloud, not signing at all to keep herself as still and non-threathening as possible.

Sam shook his head hard and looked around him. He almost seemed confused for a moment, then resigned.

“ _Sorry_ ,” he signed. He didn’t look freaked out anymore, and after he drew a huge breath, he was no longer panting like a blown horse.

She nodded slowly, and signed,  “ _It’s okay_ .”

He came back to the bed and laid down on his back gingerly. Eileen carefully pulled the covers over him, and he smiled at her and relaxed some, then turned on his side to face her with his most earnest of expressions.

“There’s...there’s things I want to tell you, or, well, there’s things you should probably know about me, but I want to tell you in a way I’ll be clear to you. I wish I could sign fluently, but I’m not there yet. Does that make sense? I just... I don’t want to have to talk about it twice. It’s pretty bad.”

“We can make a time to talk. You know how to talk slowly and enunciate and sign what you can. We can make it work.”

Sam smiled sadly. “We should. Soon.”

Putting her hand on his cheek, she smiled back, trying to be reassuring.

“We all have shitty histories. We’re hunters. And you’ve been fucked with by god for his amusement, so it’s even worse. It’s not going to scare me away, okay Sam?”

That adoring look he got filled his face and he leaned over for a kiss, then moved back and signed, “ _Thank you. I love you_ .”

Eileen smiled and kissed him, then rolled away out of the bed. It was definitely time to get up and change the damned subject. 

Over breakfast of slightly freezerburned breakfast burritos she chipped out of the frost in the freezer, they discussed when it might be safe to return to the bunker. When Sam realized he was the only one of Eileen, Jack, and himself who wasn’t fluent in ASL, his expression grew stubborn and Eileen correctly predicted that he was going to spend every moment he could learning more sign.

They concluded that they’d head back after lunch and perhaps kick Dean and Cas out to have some kind of honeymoon somewhere if they were still going at it like bunnies.

After cleaning up, which consisted of throwing out paper plates and washing coffee mugs, Sam caught Eileen’s attention.

“What do you think of moving to the bunker to live there?” Sam asked with his pidgin signing along as he spoke. “In your own room: I don’t expect you to move in with me yet.”

Eileen glanced around her apartment. She wasn’t attached to it. It was just a base of operations more than anything. It would save her money to not have to pay rent, and while the town where the bunker was was off the main highways it wasn’t as if it was so far off to be too hard to get other places when a hunt came up.

“ _Okay_ .”

Sam’s face lit up and she smiled. 

The liquor store across the street always had empty boxes, so she sent Jack to fetch half a dozen or so, and they spent the rest of the morning packing up all the stuff she wanted and throwing the rest into garbage bags as either trash or stuff she planned to drop at a donation center on their way out of town.

By noon they hauled everything to the Valiant and Sam and Jack loaded up while Eileen went to leave a letter and a check with the super, breaking her lease and paying the fee to do so. She knew better than to hope to get back her cleaning deposit (especially since they hadn’t bothered to clean), so she counted the matter quits as she drove away.

She could feel Sam watching her, probably concerned for her feelings of leaving her “home”, so at the stoplight for the highway entrance, she turned to him.

“Relax. I wasn’t attached to that place. I’m happy to be moving, okay? The bunker will be a better base for hunting anyway.”

The tense set of Sam’s shoulders and jaw eased and he leaned in for a quick kiss.

“ _Okay_ .”

Sam got his laptop out and sat practicing sign language until he apparently grew drowsy and again dozed off during the drive to Lebanon. When she saw his head drop against his chest and stay there from the corner of her eye, Eileen shook her head in indulgent amusement. He really was adorable. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eileen moves into the bunker, there’s a family dinner, and Sam confesses what he remembers of the cage to Eileen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific trigger warnings for mentions of torture, rape, and psychological trauma: nothing described in detail. If you want to skip, just knowing what the warnings are tells you what Sam tells Eileen about from his experience with Lucifer in the cage. The section where he talks about it is bracketed by ** before and after. Please take care of yourself!

Sam woke from a light doze just as they arrived back at the bunker. He immediately felt excited and a little nervous realizing that it was the first time in his life that he was having someone move in with him instead of moving in together like he had with Jess, or moving into someone else’s home, as with Amelia. Granted, she wasn’t moving in with him per se, but into the bunker, but it still felt like a big step. The place had been such a man cave other than when Mrs Butters was there. Would Eileen want to change things? Would Dean object?

The three of them brought half Eileen’s boxes in on the first trip. Dean and Cas were at a research table, sitting very close together with Cas’ arm across the back of Dean’s chair, looking at Dean’s laptop.

“Heya Sammy. Those Eileen’s stuff?” Dean asked. He sounded so relaxed that Sam felt his eyebrows rise.

“Um, yeah,” Sam said, watching so distractedly that he nearly walked into a wall: Cas put his hand on the back of Dean’s neck, making Dean’s eyes close and a smile light his face.

“Sam!” Eileen’s voice caught him before he collided with the corner leading to the living quarters hallway. He smiled gratefully over his shoulder at her, then continued down the hall, marveling at Dean’s transformation. His brother looked ten years younger and his voice hadn’t sounded like he’d gargled with broken glass.

Sam stopped at the room next to his own.

“Wanna be neighbors?” Sam asked Eileen.

“Sure,” she said.

They brought the rest of Eileen’s belongings to the room, and Sam gave her a kiss and left her to get settled. He hurried back to his brother to see what other changes Cas had wrought in Dean.

“You guys looking for a case?” Sam asked as he approached, trying to be casual about their obvious intimacy. Cas was so wrapped around Dean he was nearly in his lap and when Sam came around and could see their faces, their lips were both puffy like they’d been kissing. Oh my. Maybe that idea of kicking them out for a honeymoon wasn’t as far fetched as he’d thought.

“We are exploring recipes for Dean to cook for dinner,” Cas informed Sam.

Sam felt himself give an actual double take. “Y-You—ah—dinner, sure, okay.”

“I think we deserve a break from monster hunting for a while,” Dean said.

Sam was certain his eyes were going to pop out.

“You’re really gonna go all domestic after one night together?” Sam blurted.

Dean glared at him, his face turning red. “Why not? I’ve spent my entire life fighting. Maybe I wanna retire, Sammy. I deserve that... If...”

Cas sat up and joined in shooting daggers at Sam. “Dean deserves happiness. He is free now. If he chooses not to kill ever again, that is his right and I will defend that with the last of my grace,” Cas growled, and Sam took a step back. The air thickened in the room and Sam raised his hands.

“Whoa, sure, yeah, you guys can do anything you want.”

Dean murmured something to Castiel, and Cas settled back and returned his focus to Dean, putting his arm around Dean’s waist and pulling him close.

Sam drew out a chair and sat down across from them. He wondered at the cuddling. Sam had only ever seen Dean so physical in a non-sexual situation when he was trying to get into a sexual situation. And he never would have imagined Cas being so possessive and protective of Dean, but Sam had helped bring Cas back, so he was just going to have to accept the consequences of that.

“Um, so...dinner? Have you narrowed it down?”

“I think we’ve got the stuff for, um, beef stroganoff,” Dean said. He had a sort of hopeful look on his face and the vulnerability was too much for Sam to argue with.

“That sounds good, man. Thanks.”

Dean looked skeptically at Sam then smiled when he saw Sam was sincere.

“Well, good. Cool.”

Eileen appeared, walking with Jack from the direction of their rooms.

“Guys, I think we have an idea for getting the bunker up to full power,” Eileen announced. Sam stared. 

“Like when Mrs Butters was here?” Dean asked.

“ _Exactly_ ,” Jack said. Eileen moved to the end of the table so she’d be able to see everyone, and Jack went on, “ _Only with less murderous intent_. ”

“Hey, you’re signing! You know sign language?” Dean exclaimed.

Jack nodded, and Cas squeezed Dean’s shoulder then moved his arm back in front of himself and signed along as he spoke.

“ _We understand all languages_ _,_ ” Cas said.

Dean looked as disgruntled as Sam felt.

“Son of a bitch! I’m gonna have to learn too I guess. Can’t have you guys talking behind my back in front of my face.”

Cas looked puzzled by Dean’s contradictory sentence, but Sam looked to Eileen and her eyes were suspiciously shiny as she looked at all of them. She met his gaze and blinked rapidly, shrugging at him.

“The power Jack released is out there, and I think we can create a ritual so we can harness that, or tap into it, and power the wards and equipment here,” Eileen said, brushing off the emotional moment.

Sam’s mind went to Rowena and all he’d learned from her. He felt the pang of the loss of her, but before he could become maudlin, he recalled several rituals that were used to gather energy to power other, more elaborate spells.

“I think that could work!”

Jack and Eileen looked thrilled by his statement. The three began discussing it, and Sam only paused to glare briefly at Dean when he heard him mutter, “Sam-witch.” Dean shrugged at him, smiling, and while Cas seemed interested in their idea, the angel followed Dean when Dean went to the kitchen to start the planned dinner.

Working with Eileen, who was so smart Sam sometimes felt intimidated, and Jack, whose instinctual knowledge of the arcane was uncanny, Sam was thrilled and kind of in awe of how quickly they brought a plan together.

The trio described it to Cas and Dean over dinner, which was actually pretty tasty, although Sam was grateful for the big salad that they’d made to go with the extremely heavy meal. 

“You think it’s, uh, like safe to use that energy?” Dean asked. “I mean, Chuck was the ultimate dick and used it to dick us around our whole lives.”

“I belie—“

“I knew there was too much dick in this bunker,” Eileen snarked, interrupting Cas and making Sam choke on a bite of kale.

Dean paused thoughtfully for a moment. “Yeah, you’re probably right about that one,” he said to Eileen with a straight face, then cracked a smile that had her laughing.

Sam felt a warmth in his chest watching them laugh together.

“We should rename this place,” Dean declared.

“Yeah?” Sam asked. “What do you propose?” He was ready for a smart ass response and was surprised at Dean’s thoughtful expression.

“What about Hunters Inc, or Hunter Headquarters or something?”

“I doubt this entity will ever become a corporation,” Cas said.

“I like having Hunters in it. I want to get networking again,” Sam said.

“Men of Letters is so stuffy, not to mention sexist,” Eileen added.

“Hunter Central? Since Lebanon is near the exact center of the United States?” Jack suggested.

It clicked for Sam and he grinned. “I love it. All in favor?”

“Ohmygod you’re introducing parliamentary procedure? I’m out!” Dean griped.

“Aye!” Eileen raised her hand, then flipped Dean off.

“So if I agree, I say aye?” Jack asked. Sam nodded and Jack called out his agreement, mimicking Eileen’s raised hand and her rude gesture, waving his middle finger around rather than aiming it at Dean.

They all cracked up, and Sam considered it a passed motion.

Jack volunteered to clean up, and the two couples retreated separately, Dean and Cas to the Dean Cave, Dean talking shit about whooping Cas at a video game, and Sam and Eileen towards their rooms.

Sam touched Eileen’s shoulder and she looked at him. He took a deep breath and spoke slowly, signing what he could.

“I know it’s been a long day, but do you think we could have that talk?”

Her expression was gentle as she touched his cheek and scratched lightly at his stubble.

“Of course.”

So Sam found himself laying on his bed, facing Eileen, both having only removed their boots, about to tell her about being tortured in the cage by Lucifer.

He started out giving her the rundown on how he’d ended up there, praising Dean for helping him to break the devil’s hold long enough to jump into the cage.

“If I had any idea how bad it was gonna be, I...” Sam shook his head. “I don’t know if I would have been able to...”

Eileen took his hand. “You did it. Don’t second guess.” She kissed his knuckles. “Keep going.”

“Time is different there. Dean said that it was like a month here is ten years there, so I was in there for, I guess, over a hundred years.”

**

Sam’s mind went to the time he had been fully in the cage, body and soul. “That was, um, the total time I was there, but... I only remember part of that time. I mean, I only remember specifics, but...the specific memories are what I have the nightmares about, so...” He sighed. “I don’t know how long I was there, body and soul. At some point, Cas tried to get me out and only brought my body. So I was living for a while without a soul and that’s...not good. And my soul kept getting tortured the whole time. When I got my soul back, um, well, eventually I got my memories and they drove me insane but... Cas took them and so I have this chunk of time that’s not clear but just...feels really terrifying and horrible.”

Eileen nodded and waited, and Sam felt himself start to shake knowing the hard part was still to come. She leaned forward and kissed him softly then looked him in the eyes and nodded to encourage him.

“Um, like, the regular type torture stuff that we all as hunters just sort of know about was barely a warmup for Lucifer. And I couldn’t, I couldn’t die, so it just... it was bad. So much pain. I...he could practically read my mind and so I couldn’t—detatch from it?” He looked at her in question. She flinched slightly and nodded. His heart hurt that she had cause in her life to seem familiar with dissociation of that sort. “Yeah. Awful. But the psychological stuff...” Sam shuddered and shook his head. “He’d...he would comfort me. He’d heal little parts of...” Sam squeezed his eyes shut. “I took his comfort. I let him comfort me after he did...unspeakable things to me...” Tears came from under Sam’s eyelashes and wet the pillow beneath him. He opened his eyes after a steadying breath, nervous at Eileen’s reaction to his weakness, but she still had the sympathetic expression of sorrow she’d had before. One more breath, and he continued. “He raped me and he then took care of me and then he’d do it again and then torture me until I was going crazy with it. I really thought I was losing my mind. And this morning, when you spooned me and pulled me close and kissed my back... I flashed back to him soothing me while he did it and I—“ Sam broke down then and tried to stifle his sobs. Eileen’s hands cupped his face, then pulled him to her, wrapped her strong arms around his head and neck and gathered him as close as she could, and he let himself cry.

When he calmed slightly, he pulled back to admit the thing that for him, was the worst. “And I started liking it. The rape became more like rough sex, and it was the least painful thing he did and I... I don’t know how I could like it but I’m twisted and—“

“ _No_ .” Eileen spoke firmly and her fingers nearly snapped with the force of the word. 

**

“There’s nothing wrong or bad about how you coped. You’re alive. That’s what matters, Sam. Do not beat yourself up over anything you did. I won’t let you.”

He huffed a long sigh and looked at her mournfully. “But I’ve always...”

Understanding filled Eileen’s face. “It doesn’t matter what kind of sex you liked before that, or what kind you want now. You didn’t deserve any of what Lucifer did to you and it has no bearing at all on what I see when I look at you. Sam, you’re a kind, strong, smart, wonderful person. I’m not going to judge you based on what you’re telling me.”

Sam examined her expression carefully and could find no lie in it. The fear and tension went out of him in a rush and he felt himself shaking with reaction. Tears came again, but from relief and exhaustion.

“I love you so much,” Sam said, and tried to smile at her. Her half smile in return was warm and soothing. She kissed his forehead and ran her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and relaxed as much as he could.

Several minutes later, Sam opened his eyes. Eileen was still watching him, and he smiled. “I’m gonna fall asleep if we stay here much longer.”

Eileen pushed him over onto his back and climbed on top of him. She grinned down at him and raised her eyebrows suggestively.

“I don’t think you want to go to sleep quite yet, do you?” She asked playfully, pressing herself against his groin. He grinned and put his hands on her thighs. 

“You’re definitely right about that,” he said, nodding.

Her face grew serious. “One question. A real question.”

“ _Okay_ ,” he signed.

She frowned a little, apparently organizing her thoughts. “I’m not judging you no matter what your answer is, okay?”

He nodded slowly, feeling nerves creep in.

“Is it only because of what happened with Lucifer that you identify as bisexual?”

“Oh! No, no. I had a couple flings in college, and um, after. Boys, and men...always interested me the same way girls and women did.”

Her posture relaxed. She brushed his hair back from his face. “Good. And, just so you know, I have a harness if you ever want to bottom.”

She said it so offhand he was speechless for a moment.

“Good...to know?” He replied. He had no idea if he’d ever feel safe enough to do that, but the offer was genuine and kind, and so he sat up and kissed her and they rolled around making out like teenagers before they fell asleep together like the exhausted adults that they actually were. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shout out to flyingpiglet, my regular beta reader for ploughing through even after I blindsided you (note to fellow writers, always give your betas the same trigger warnings you’ll put in when you post), and the-cimmerians for the pinch-hitting double check on my sanity with your read through and notes. I’m feeling much more confident due to my wonderful sensitivity reader as well: Balloons and pumpkin bread for everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Lifehouse Between the Raindrops. 
> 
> Come scream with me on tumblr: I’m Leydhawk pretty much everywhere.


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